Nightmares

As a child, I suffered from nightmares. Really.Bad.Nightmares. Killer clowns, maniac grandpas with guns, Giant blood sucking worms - you name it, I probably had a nightmare about it. Very bloody, scary, terrifying nightmares. I would say I averaged 4 a week. I remember being told that you can control your dreams since it's your brain coming up with things. But the first step is always knowing you are IN a dream. I never do. We weren't allowed to sleep with our parents, but I needed reassurance after the horrors my mind created. More than one morning my mother would find me sleeping on the floor of their walk in closet (which always had the light left on), using her dirty clothes as a blanket. I felt safe being close to my parents, with the light on, and cuddled with their smells around me.

My dreams are . . . strange. Really really strange. Just ask the sisters I grew up with - almost every morning I would come up stairs and announce "I had the weirdest dream last night". I am very involved in my dreams, and from what I understand, my dreams are just like most pregnancy dreams (I can't compare, since my dreams during pregnancy were just like my regular dreams) They seem more vivid than reality, one part science fiction, one part action adventure, and one part insanity. I never sit still in a dream, but instead (no joking) solve murders in hotels, fly with gargoyles, invent cures for rare diseases, and meet famous people (and all that was just this morning's dream.)

Why do I dream like that? Is my mind bored with the world around me that I have to create such action to entertain me at night? Do I crave adventure? Or is it just so opposite from me that dreaming is the only way I would ever want to experience such things. I do not often have nightmares now (but it's SO much nicer to have my cute hubby hold me as I wake up from one than to just have to hold my pillow tight!), but I live in an alternate reality as I dream. One of these days, I'm going remember to keep a notebook by my bed. I'll record the insane details depicted in my dreams. With a little tweaking, I think I could write the next bestseller.

Because really, I can't make this kind of stuff up. Except, apparently I do . . .just not in the waking world.

What do you dream about?

Life, liberty, and learing

Do you ever feel really REALLY at a loss for how to explain things?

My daughter is currently VERY concerned about the orange string hanging from the fish's belly. I tried informing her that that was the fish going to the bathroom, but she is very worried because the fish doesn't have hands to wipe his bottom. Really. She's been watching this fish for five minutes now, and no matter how many times I reassure her that it will fall off on its own, Girly-Lou is sure that the fish needs help.

Maybe I'm a bit bored right now, if I think that fish excrement is a worthy post topic! In reality, I'm just trying to find a way to kill sometime while my men folk are a napping, and 5:00 rolls around so we can leave for the airport.

St. Louis, HERE WE COME!

Ohh the gooiness

I'm not sure why I decided to share this, except I was in the mood to post something, and this was kind of fun to see.

My random story: I almost never buy name brand food. Let's face it: milk is milk. Sugar is sugar. The brand has very little to depend on the quality. But every once in a while, the name brand is on a crazy good sale, so it's cheaper. A couple of weeks ago, our Walmart had all the Kraft Cheese on for a CRAZY good price. So that's what I got. And they had their low fat cheese for the same price. I'd never tried it, but I grabbed it.

I like it. A lot.

I got 3 bricks of 2% milk cheddar. It tastes just the same! I love it - great taste, less guilt! Too bad it's usually so much more!

Tonight for dinner I was craving some homey goodness. So I made "Cheesey Noodles" (aka homemade Mac n cheese. My kids HATED homemade mac n cheese until I changed the name. Now they can't get enough of it!) I worried that my low fat cheese might not work as well. But it mixed in ok. Then we sat down and dished it.

YOU CAN NOT IMAGINE THE GOOEY STRINGS!!!

Really, I've never even seen pizza this cheesy before. It was awesome! I actually used less cheese than normal too.
I even tried to take a picture. This is after it had cooled a bit - there were double that many when we started!

Yum. Just looking at this makes me want to have another plate. Here's my family's version of mac n cheese, just in case you were wondering. I never actually measure anything in it anymore. But I think it's pretty accurate. I've been told it's easier than some people's versions - but you tell me.

Homemade Mac ‘n Cheese

1/3 cup margarine or butter
2 cups milk
2 heaping Tbsp cornstarch
2 cups shredded cheese
3-ish cups noodles
salt to taste

Cook noodles according to package directions. Drain. Melt margarine over medium low heat. Stir in cornstarch. Gradually add milk, stirring constantly. Bring to an almost boil while still stirring constantly so it doesn’t scorch. Add cheese. Stir in cooked noodles and salt. Savor every delectable bite!

Channeling my inner Cinderella

I might have mentioned before, I've been really lousy at cleaning lately. It's just so much more fun to read a book and crochet (I do the crocheting so I can pretend that I'm being productive, thus justifying the insane number of books I've read in the past 3 months).

But every once in a while, I look around in my house and I'm completely disgusted at what I've been living in. Really. It's been gross. This usually results in approx 48 hours of mad cleaning. I love the feel of my house when it's clean. One of the problems is my house is so small I can clean the whole thing in one day (and I mean some deep cleaning if I really put my mind to it.) This means that I don't actually have to clean every day (other than dishes, the bane of my existence). Which means I let it slide, really far sometimes.

Anyway. My 48 hours started yesterday. Today I cleaned the kitchen. Really cleaned. I was wiping down cupboards, scrubbing the top of the fridge, scouring sinks - the whole works. I even decided to hand scrub my floor. I don't know about you guys, but I know my floor gets much cleaner when I'm on my hands and knees really putting some muscle into it.

My kids (I thought) were thoroughly engrossed in NickJr.com. I filled my bucket up, pulled out my scrub brush, and went to work. It was kind of fun. I really don't clean my floor nearly as often as I should. I had some fun music on, and was just kind of going at it. Enter Buddy boy.

"But Mom, Dad is my bucket for da eggs" (Ok, I'll admit it. We've lived in this place for over a year and I still haven't unpacked my mop bucket. My kitchen is shaped such that it's easier to just fill the sink instead. But do it by hand I needed something, and I did in fact pull out his Easter bucket. I honestly thought I'd be done before they noticed.)

"Yes it is Buddy. I'm cleaning the floor."

"But Mamma, why you do dat?"

Enter Girly-Lou.

"Mom, what are you doing?"

"I'm Cleaning the floor."

"But, you should mop it, Mom. When are you going to get the mop out. Why aren't you using the mop?"

"Because I'm doing it this way instead."

"But Mom!" - it went on, and on, and on. Almost the entire time I cleaned. My kids were so confused at why on earth I would be doing something so odd as to scrub my floor.

Obviously, Cinderella I am not. I think it's a sign I'm not cleaning enough when my kids are absoulty shocked and confused to see me on my hands and knees scrubing.

My kiddos

Thanks for all your kind words after my crazy post. I am doing better now (going to the doctor and finding out everything is ok helps a lot!).

This morning we made muffins for breakfast. Since Hubby was flying, while they were cooking I brought my kiddos into bed with me and we read scriptures. I love the feeling of snuggling with my kids while we read.

After, my kids and I just played. I find that I don't spend near enough time doing that. They bounced on the bed (which is like jumping, but not quite), I sang silly songs that I haven't sung to them since they were tiny, we tickled, and giggled, and just loved each other.

I need to focus on these good times. They help remind me of the lightness when times feel dark. I love my kids. They bring me much joy (and some stress too!). So while they are quietly eating blueberry muffins, I am making sure I will always remember this wonderful morning, playing with my Girly-Lou and Buddy Boy.

Give a ways

Have you ever checked out the Family Home Evening Blog? (http://family-home-evening.blogspot.com/) It is full of great FHE ideas for people (like me) that really struggle to come up with stuff.

They're having a give away - a really awesome book about family scripture study. Go check it out!

Pain

My heart beats faster, my breath increases, some kind of hormone - adrenaline? dopamine? some form craziness? flows faster through my veins. I must move, do something. I can not sit, must not stop to think. Agony swells up within, scraping around this hole deep within me, wanting to bury me in pain. Just push past it - if I don't stop, it can not catch me.

But I have to stop eventually. I am not a robot. And every time I do, the realization is there lurking, waiting to pounce again. This hollow, empty hole seems to be firmly affixed as part of me. I can't find a way to fill it - although I've tried shoving chocolate at it. But all that does is make my fat pants too tight. So I try ignoring it still. Just push past, work harder, faster, so it doesn't overwhelm me.

But the hole isn't really there. I just feel like it should be. There is nothing missing - I just thought there was.

Because I am not pregnant.

Still.

I really debated writing this post. But this pain isn't getting better. I hope that by getting it out, I might be able to face it head on and work through it. I have ignored it, but as I write I feel that hole gaping bigger than ever.

Did I ever mention how much I wish I was pregnant? We've been trying for almost 2 years now. If it had happened the first month we tried, that baby would be turning 1 this month. I've had times when my kids are playing, when I thought I saw him crawling after them. This phantom image that trails in my minds eye. Wanting - needing - to be part of our family.

This feeling of incompletion - of something missing - most of the time I can ignore it. I have faith that it will happen, but this month is being very hard. Because I actually thought I was pregnant this time.

I have been on Clomid for two months now. And this time I actually did ovulate. Oh that hope. Emily Dickinson once said "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul". She didn't mention it digs in with razor claws, which rip and shred when it's torn from you. There was actually a very good chance of it happening. I was even late. Late enough to take a test.

But it was negative. And to add insult to injury, I started within 1 hour. Hah. If I would have just waited I could have saved that wasted test (and those things get pricey).

As a teen, I remember hating that I had to go through a cycle every single month. It was annoying - why did it have to happen so often. Now, 21 months into trying for our third child, I resent the fact that I really only have a 3 day window to try, and then must wait an entire month before I can try again.

Hubby has been a bit worried about me. He can see that I'm barely holding things together. He hovered over me, wanting to help, but knowing there was absolutely nothing he could do. I keep telling him (and myself) I will be ok. But I know it will take time.

So here's my list of positive things about it not happening this month.

#1. Other than the first 24 hours when I literally tried to fill this hole with chocolate, I have burned more calories than ever. I ran 2 miles straight (plus 1.5 walking) yesterday morning. I can't sit still (or sleep), because it hurts worse when I don't' have something to distract me.

#2. This gives me another month to keep on loosing weight.

#3. My house is cleaner than it has been for months.

#4. I won't be due the middle of December, so I can have a normal Christmas this year with my in-laws.

#5. Any baby I have will not be born in 2009, so I now have the next 6 months to get pregnant and be able to put the entire thing in our flex spending account.

#6. This shortens the amount of time I would have 3 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment.

#7. I don't have to face morning sickness yet.

So I sit here, chanting this list to myself to make it better. But I know I'd trade all of it an more to know my baby was growing within me.

I will get better. But it will take some time. So until then, please ignore my sarcasm - or extra peppiness depending on how hard I'm trying to hide this. I apologize in advance. Thanks for understanding my craziness.