Friday, July 26, 2013

365 days ago

I met this guy:

365 days ago I was sleep deprived from painful contractions all night long. I've never gone into labor on my own, and didn't really feel like I should go to the hospital.  After all, the c-section was scheduled for 11 am the next day.  But man, oh MAN were those painful.  Every bit as painful as the two times I was induced with pitocin.

And I seriously regret not asking someone to check how much I was dilated. It wouldn't have changed a thing about the surgery, just sheer curiosity on my part.

366 days ago freaked my hubby out so much I was left comforting him for several hours before we collapsed into bed. No mother should ever be scared by a heartbeat like that.

366 days ago I had never felt so loved and welcomed by my ward and neighbors. What a joy it was to feel so nurtured by my friends.

365 days ago a  very purple boy was placed into my arms right as I type this.  He was perfect in every way . . . except that color.  He quickly turned pink (and then orange), but I remember stroking those purple fingers as they wheeled us into recovery.

365 days ago I finished my last pregnancy.

365 days go Jellybean came into this world and we finally truely picked his name. (I still look at him and think he looks more like a Will, but that boat has LONG since sailed.)

365 days ago we started babyhood for the last time.
 365 days ago changed our family forever in the bestest of ways.

I can't wait to see what the next 365 days bring.

Happy birthday, Jellybean.  You are loved.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

3 months

I just went 3 months without blogging.

Not a word. Not a picture. (but LOTS of projects!)

This is happening too often to me. And the process goes the same way every time.  Here's what it looks like.

I blog regularly.  I enjoy it. I start thinking of more posts.  Then I start looking at other people's writing. Other people's projects. Other people's lives. 

Then I do one of two things.  I start thinking my life and blog aren't enough.  That I'm not enough. That my words are silly and pointless and meaningless.  So I gradually stop writing at all.

Or I decide that my stuff is good, but needs to be AMAZING so maybe I can get really cool and maybe even get to the point I make money off of this, thus justifying the time I spend here.  This road leads to even worse results than the first. I start doing JUST TOO MUCH. I  try to turn this little corner of the webbernets into something like Ucreate or The Nester.

And I fail.  As I try to do projects and talk about them, I delete post after post after post. All I can see is how unpolished my work is. I don't take enough pictures. My lighting is bad. My writing lacks personality.  My projects are the same thing everyone else has done before.

And then I find reasons to stay away from the blog.  I don't want to even start to think about that failure.    Very quickly I'm doing nothing but blog stalking everyone else.

I'm TIRED of this cycle!  I think this is the third or fourth version of this since I started this thing almost 5 years ago.

So this is me (hi me!) attempting to stop it once again.  I want to write for me. I need to remember that I'm enough without anyone reading this blog, and that yet again I realize why I don't really want to make money off this thing.  Yes, it would be nice. But I'm not willing to put a full time job's worth of work into this thing. 

There will be projects still, of course. And pictures.  But I want more of my personality more than anything. 

Here's to a new start.  I just hope it lasts this time.
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