My kiddos

Thanks for all your kind words after my crazy post. I am doing better now (going to the doctor and finding out everything is ok helps a lot!).

This morning we made muffins for breakfast. Since Hubby was flying, while they were cooking I brought my kiddos into bed with me and we read scriptures. I love the feeling of snuggling with my kids while we read.

After, my kids and I just played. I find that I don't spend near enough time doing that. They bounced on the bed (which is like jumping, but not quite), I sang silly songs that I haven't sung to them since they were tiny, we tickled, and giggled, and just loved each other.

I need to focus on these good times. They help remind me of the lightness when times feel dark. I love my kids. They bring me much joy (and some stress too!). So while they are quietly eating blueberry muffins, I am making sure I will always remember this wonderful morning, playing with my Girly-Lou and Buddy Boy.

Give a ways

Have you ever checked out the Family Home Evening Blog? (http://family-home-evening.blogspot.com/) It is full of great FHE ideas for people (like me) that really struggle to come up with stuff.

They're having a give away - a really awesome book about family scripture study. Go check it out!

Pain

My heart beats faster, my breath increases, some kind of hormone - adrenaline? dopamine? some form craziness? flows faster through my veins. I must move, do something. I can not sit, must not stop to think. Agony swells up within, scraping around this hole deep within me, wanting to bury me in pain. Just push past it - if I don't stop, it can not catch me.

But I have to stop eventually. I am not a robot. And every time I do, the realization is there lurking, waiting to pounce again. This hollow, empty hole seems to be firmly affixed as part of me. I can't find a way to fill it - although I've tried shoving chocolate at it. But all that does is make my fat pants too tight. So I try ignoring it still. Just push past, work harder, faster, so it doesn't overwhelm me.

But the hole isn't really there. I just feel like it should be. There is nothing missing - I just thought there was.

Because I am not pregnant.

Still.

I really debated writing this post. But this pain isn't getting better. I hope that by getting it out, I might be able to face it head on and work through it. I have ignored it, but as I write I feel that hole gaping bigger than ever.

Did I ever mention how much I wish I was pregnant? We've been trying for almost 2 years now. If it had happened the first month we tried, that baby would be turning 1 this month. I've had times when my kids are playing, when I thought I saw him crawling after them. This phantom image that trails in my minds eye. Wanting - needing - to be part of our family.

This feeling of incompletion - of something missing - most of the time I can ignore it. I have faith that it will happen, but this month is being very hard. Because I actually thought I was pregnant this time.

I have been on Clomid for two months now. And this time I actually did ovulate. Oh that hope. Emily Dickinson once said "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul". She didn't mention it digs in with razor claws, which rip and shred when it's torn from you. There was actually a very good chance of it happening. I was even late. Late enough to take a test.

But it was negative. And to add insult to injury, I started within 1 hour. Hah. If I would have just waited I could have saved that wasted test (and those things get pricey).

As a teen, I remember hating that I had to go through a cycle every single month. It was annoying - why did it have to happen so often. Now, 21 months into trying for our third child, I resent the fact that I really only have a 3 day window to try, and then must wait an entire month before I can try again.

Hubby has been a bit worried about me. He can see that I'm barely holding things together. He hovered over me, wanting to help, but knowing there was absolutely nothing he could do. I keep telling him (and myself) I will be ok. But I know it will take time.

So here's my list of positive things about it not happening this month.

#1. Other than the first 24 hours when I literally tried to fill this hole with chocolate, I have burned more calories than ever. I ran 2 miles straight (plus 1.5 walking) yesterday morning. I can't sit still (or sleep), because it hurts worse when I don't' have something to distract me.

#2. This gives me another month to keep on loosing weight.

#3. My house is cleaner than it has been for months.

#4. I won't be due the middle of December, so I can have a normal Christmas this year with my in-laws.

#5. Any baby I have will not be born in 2009, so I now have the next 6 months to get pregnant and be able to put the entire thing in our flex spending account.

#6. This shortens the amount of time I would have 3 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment.

#7. I don't have to face morning sickness yet.

So I sit here, chanting this list to myself to make it better. But I know I'd trade all of it an more to know my baby was growing within me.

I will get better. But it will take some time. So until then, please ignore my sarcasm - or extra peppiness depending on how hard I'm trying to hide this. I apologize in advance. Thanks for understanding my craziness.

How to Survive a day without water

1. (4 days before) Get notice of water shut off. Be grateful the complex at least told you this time instead of the 27 other times they've turned off the water with out notifying you.

2. (night before) Fill every pitcher in the house with water. Plan out something to do away from the apartment for the day.

3. (Day of). Fill up all the tubs in the house so you can at least flush the toilet while the water is off. Go for a run to relax a little.

4. Come back from run. Shower crazy fast before the water is off.

5. Realize the tub plugs leak, and now there's no water to flush toilets with.

6. Leave the house so you can use other bathrooms. Go to hospital to get your blood drawn (with your kids, no less). Get to take the stairs because elevators are broken.

7. Try to stay busy. Go to the library as a family. Get slightly frustrated when you're back in the car and it's only 11:15. Feel rather depressed that you can't just go play all day long due to lack of funds. Wish really hard (very important step) that you had enough money to go out to eat or something fun. Go home.

8. Make sandwiches for lunch (since it doesn't require any water). Be a little frustrated that all you have is PB&J.

9. Put kids down for naps. Try to check email and stuff. Have your daughter decide she would rather watch a movie. Grumble that your dvd player died last week, so all movies must be watched on the computer. Go crochet instead.

10. Have your hubby go get the mail.

11. Stare in shock at the refund check that came for the dvd player that broke almost a year ago and has now FINALLY come.

12.Feel your soul rejoice that you can actually go do something fun. Gather the family up in the car, deposit the check, and go find a electronics store.

13. Find a decent dvd/vcr combo that's still cheaper than the old one. Get very excited that you can actually watch your vhs again.

14. Realize that there's enough money to still go out to eat for dinner.

15. Go find somewhere nice, that you can actually sit down and eat. Marvel that your kids are actually old enough to enjoy dinner with. Completely relax in an enjoyable atmosphere.

16. Check the time. Decide to go to the park to help this joyful family togetherness linger longer.

17. Head home. Water should be on at this point. Count your blessings that you have one of the greatest families ever.

I am better than I think I am.

I have to admit, I do not have the highest self esteem in the world. When I've admitted that to people, they are very surprised because I come across as very outgoing. Apparently I hide my insecurities quite well.

But I don't think I'm that cool. I fail in so many areas of my life. Actually, I have a hard time believing people actually like me, that they just put up with me instead.

Last night I had a bit of a morale boost. A pseudo good friend (as in I want to be great friends with her, but I don't really know her, and she lives a couple thousand miles away) gave me a great complement. In an email about something I made, she said "So creative, Laree". I felt so flattered. This amazing woman (who is even sorta famous, at least among LDS bibliophiles) actually thought that something I did was creative!

Now, I have to admit, I've NEVER thought of myself as creative. I've been known to say I don't have a creative bone in my body, but I can copy other's works. However, I'm coming to realize that I'm much more creative than I give myself credit for. I frequently take recipes and change a lot in it - thus making it my own recipe, although I have never thought of it this way. I had always thought of it as "their" recipe, but when you change every aspect of the dish in some, even minor, way, it's no longer their recipe but yours.

And that's not all I do. Here's a list of things that I have done in the last 24 hours (some more creative than others, but all contribute to me)

I have:
Blogged
Scrapbooked
Crocheted
Read
Played games with my kids
Played the piano
Cleaned
Exercised
Bargain shopped
Connected with old friends
Made a new friend
Fell in love with my hubby (again!)

I focus way too much on the mountain of unfolded laundry, the crumbs under the table, the shear amount of things left to do.

But I am creative. I do creative things in my own way. There is not such thing as a cheater method - just different ways to achieve the look you want.

Currently I am scraping 1 page a day. I get frustrated because I have 5 years of stuff do to for my kids to be caught up. But at 1 page a day, that's 6 full books a year, which would have me caught up on my kids by December.

My piano skills leave much to be desired, but I have improved exponentially in the last 12 months, just by playing a hymn a day.

I have much left on my afghan projects, but I am almost done with 2 full blankets. At this rate, I just may make that July goal.

Almost no one reads my blog, but is that why I blog? No. I do get a thrill when an unknown semi-famous (hi Andrea!) person comments on my craziness. But really, I blog for me. I want to think I'm cool for myself. I want to be pleased with my talents. I want to focus on my greatness.

I am me.

And I am creative.

Had to laugh!

Couldn't agree more!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have entered THE. WORST. STAGE. OF. TODDLERHOOD. E.V.E.R.!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Toilet training.

Yes. That retched obstacle is still in front of our household. We have not overcome this hurdle. It just might kill us as we attempt it. It for has already claimed the sanity of this mother, and may leave even more damage in its wake.

I would rather take colicky triplets than train another child to use the toilet. I believe I'd rather face a mob, brave a famine, and I'd for sure prefer a 16 hour plane ride with those colicky triplets than go through another day of this . . . mess.

No one ever tells you just how miserable it is to get your child to do the duty. You can explain all you want. You can bribe. You can encourage. You can threaten. But you can not make them do it.

I think that's the hardest part of all.

You're so sure that he understands. He can talk you through every step. But will he do it? NO!

We've been training Buddy now for 2 months. This is not the first attempt at training. Oh no. This is the 4th. A full year ago, when he was only 18 months old, he was ready to train. He showed every single sign of wanting to do the deed. We even tried a teeny bit. The biggest problem? We were also moving. It's just too much to try to train and move at the same time. That's two too many changes in their little world. So I put it off. Then tried again, then put it off, then tried again, then put it off . . . .

After a wonderful trip to see my parents (for a whole month ), I decided we were doing this. NOW. It was way past the point. He was ready, I was ready, and we were NOT moving anywhere yet.

It's been a long road. After 3 weeks, I'd say we had about 40% success with the #1 business. Not bad. Maybe this will be ok.

That's not the problem. The problem my friends is #2.

Oh the bane of my existence. #2. That yucky smelly substance that never goes away. And is everywhere. Yes, EVERYWHERE.

Because, you see, my brilliant son, Buddy, is too independent. He can tell you exactly what he is supposed to do if he needs to do his business. But when he fails, he takes care of it himself. He removes is own diaper (or unders, whichever the case may be), sits down on his bed, rolls around the carpet, plays on/through his toys, and makes sure that every single surface is coated before letting me know that there is a problem.

I'm not exaggerating. This just occurred 1 hour ago, just after I put him down for a nap. I had no idea something was wrong until I heard him playing. I went in to check on him. . . . Have you ever seen Daddy Daycare? Do you remember the scene when the little boy has to go to the bathroom, comes out and says "I missed"? Do you remember the look of horror on Eddie Murphy's face as he views the destruction? Now imagine that scene in a beige carpet covered bedroom.

My next house will have solid surface for every room. Brilliant green (thanks neon cupcakes!) gunk is very not fun to scrub out of beige carpet.

Very. Not. Fun.

So I'll take someone's colicky triplets if they'll train my son. Just don't expect me to train those triplets (ack! just kill me now!)
____________________________

Now, seriously, I can't be the only one who has gone through this. He almost never has accidents with #1 anymore, but this #2 business . . . . So this is my cry for help. I know I have a couple of readers (aka, sisters since no one else reads this) who have successfully trained sons. Even more than one son. Any ideas? Do I just suffer through this, hoping that since he's actually done the deed twice in the bathroom in the last 4 days we might be seeing some successes in the horizon? Or do I just let my self go insane, lock myself in a padded room for the next 4 months and let someone else teach him what to do? HELP!