Thursday, April 2, 2009

Pain

My heart beats faster, my breath increases, some kind of hormone - adrenaline? dopamine? some form craziness? flows faster through my veins. I must move, do something. I can not sit, must not stop to think. Agony swells up within, scraping around this hole deep within me, wanting to bury me in pain. Just push past it - if I don't stop, it can not catch me.

But I have to stop eventually. I am not a robot. And every time I do, the realization is there lurking, waiting to pounce again. This hollow, empty hole seems to be firmly affixed as part of me. I can't find a way to fill it - although I've tried shoving chocolate at it. But all that does is make my fat pants too tight. So I try ignoring it still. Just push past, work harder, faster, so it doesn't overwhelm me.

But the hole isn't really there. I just feel like it should be. There is nothing missing - I just thought there was.

Because I am not pregnant.

Still.

I really debated writing this post. But this pain isn't getting better. I hope that by getting it out, I might be able to face it head on and work through it. I have ignored it, but as I write I feel that hole gaping bigger than ever.

Did I ever mention how much I wish I was pregnant? We've been trying for almost 2 years now. If it had happened the first month we tried, that baby would be turning 1 this month. I've had times when my kids are playing, when I thought I saw him crawling after them. This phantom image that trails in my minds eye. Wanting - needing - to be part of our family.

This feeling of incompletion - of something missing - most of the time I can ignore it. I have faith that it will happen, but this month is being very hard. Because I actually thought I was pregnant this time.

I have been on Clomid for two months now. And this time I actually did ovulate. Oh that hope. Emily Dickinson once said "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul". She didn't mention it digs in with razor claws, which rip and shred when it's torn from you. There was actually a very good chance of it happening. I was even late. Late enough to take a test.

But it was negative. And to add insult to injury, I started within 1 hour. Hah. If I would have just waited I could have saved that wasted test (and those things get pricey).

As a teen, I remember hating that I had to go through a cycle every single month. It was annoying - why did it have to happen so often. Now, 21 months into trying for our third child, I resent the fact that I really only have a 3 day window to try, and then must wait an entire month before I can try again.

Hubby has been a bit worried about me. He can see that I'm barely holding things together. He hovered over me, wanting to help, but knowing there was absolutely nothing he could do. I keep telling him (and myself) I will be ok. But I know it will take time.

So here's my list of positive things about it not happening this month.

#1. Other than the first 24 hours when I literally tried to fill this hole with chocolate, I have burned more calories than ever. I ran 2 miles straight (plus 1.5 walking) yesterday morning. I can't sit still (or sleep), because it hurts worse when I don't' have something to distract me.

#2. This gives me another month to keep on loosing weight.

#3. My house is cleaner than it has been for months.

#4. I won't be due the middle of December, so I can have a normal Christmas this year with my in-laws.

#5. Any baby I have will not be born in 2009, so I now have the next 6 months to get pregnant and be able to put the entire thing in our flex spending account.

#6. This shortens the amount of time I would have 3 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment.

#7. I don't have to face morning sickness yet.

So I sit here, chanting this list to myself to make it better. But I know I'd trade all of it an more to know my baby was growing within me.

I will get better. But it will take some time. So until then, please ignore my sarcasm - or extra peppiness depending on how hard I'm trying to hide this. I apologize in advance. Thanks for understanding my craziness.

5 comments:

  1. Although I am not actively trying for a baby, it's something I've thought about daily for several months. I feel the Lord is preparing me for what may come in the future, but is not time for now. I found out another friend was pregnant this morning and my heart sank. How wonderful would it be to be making the announcement. Last year I had 26 friends have babies...and I felt so left out.

    Keep your chin up, and thinking positive. Doing healthy things for yourself will help prepare your body to be more ready for pregnancy.

    *hugs*

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  2. Banana girl is making her lunch and wondering why her mom is crying at the computer. I can't say I understand, but I know it hurts. I love you, and you're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  3. Love you! I know life is hard sometimes. Has your hubby given you a blessing to help you cope? You will be missed this weekend.
    Know you are in our prayers! Love you too much...this is what my cute little Halie says! She still talks about her emma sometimes!

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  4. Awww sis, I wish we were together and we could have a good cry and hugs. I do understand your pain, I remember crying each month as I realized I was not pregnant AGAIN!!! Please know how much I love you and my prayers are with you!!! P.S. the afgans look great!!!!

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  5. So I don't really know what to say since I have not done this, but I love you and think about you guys often. We will keep you in our prayers!

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