My heart beats faster, my breath increases, some kind of hormone - adrenaline? dopamine? some form craziness? flows faster through my veins. I must move, do something. I can not sit, must not stop to think. Agony swells up within, scraping around this hole deep within me, wanting to bury me in pain. Just push past it - if I don't stop, it can not catch me.
But I have to stop eventually. I am not a robot. And every time I do, the realization is there lurking, waiting to pounce again. This hollow, empty hole seems to be firmly affixed as part of me. I can't find a way to fill it - although I've tried shoving chocolate at it. But all that does is make my fat pants too tight. So I try ignoring it still. Just push past, work harder, faster, so it doesn't overwhelm me.
But the hole isn't really there. I just feel like it should be. There is nothing missing - I just thought there was.
Because I am not pregnant.
I really debated writing this post. But this pain isn't getting better. I hope that by getting it out, I might be able to face it head on and work through it. I have ignored it, but as I write I feel that hole gaping bigger than ever.
Did I ever mention how much I wish I was pregnant? We've been trying for almost 2 years now. If it had happened the first month we tried, that baby would be turning 1 this month. I've had times when my kids are playing, when I thought I saw him crawling after them. This phantom image that trails in my minds eye. Wanting - needing - to be part of our family.
This feeling of incompletion - of something missing - most of the time I can ignore it. I have faith that it will happen, but this month is being very hard. Because I actually thought I was pregnant this time.
I have been on Clomid for two months now. And this time I actually did ovulate. Oh that hope. Emily Dickinson once said "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul". She didn't mention it digs in with razor claws, which rip and shred when it's torn from you. There was actually a very good chance of it happening. I was even late. Late enough to take a test.
But it was negative. And to add insult to injury, I started within 1 hour. Hah. If I would have just waited I could have saved that wasted test (and those things get pricey).
As a teen, I remember hating that I had to go through a cycle every single month. It was annoying - why did it have to happen so often. Now, 21 months into trying for our third child, I resent the fact that I really only have a 3 day window to try, and then must wait an entire month before I can try again.
Hubby has been a bit worried about me. He can see that I'm barely holding things together. He hovered over me, wanting to help, but knowing there was absolutely nothing he could do. I keep telling him (and myself) I will be ok. But I know it will take time.
So here's my list of positive things about it not happening this month.
#1. Other than the first 24 hours when I literally tried to fill this hole with chocolate, I have burned more calories than ever. I ran 2 miles straight (plus 1.5 walking) yesterday morning. I can't sit still (or sleep), because it hurts worse when I don't' have something to distract me.
#2. This gives me another month to keep on loosing weight.
#3. My house is cleaner than it has been for months.
#4. I won't be due the middle of December, so I can have a normal Christmas this year with my in-laws.
#5. Any baby I have will not be born in 2009, so I now have the next 6 months to get pregnant and be able to put the entire thing in our flex spending account.
#6. This shortens the amount of time I would have 3 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment.
#7. I don't have to face morning sickness yet.
So I sit here, chanting this list to myself to make it better. But I know I'd trade all of it an more to know my baby was growing within me.
I will get better. But it will take some time. So until then, please ignore my sarcasm - or extra peppiness depending on how hard I'm trying to hide this. I apologize in advance. Thanks for understanding my craziness.