Thursday, January 12, 2012

Forgetfulness and stressing

*this is again a super pre-post (as in done months in advance)

Guess what. 

I’m pregnant!  Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, we’re expecting number 4 in August. 

But I’m writing this in December. December 1 to be exact.  It has only been 4 days since I took my pregnancy test.  And I think I’m getting pregnancy brain already.

Twice – hear that TWICE – in the last three days, I have lovingly made Buddy’s lunch . . . and then left it sitting on the counter.  Its MY job to make sure it gets in his back pack, and I’ve totally, completely blown it.  The first time, I saw it early enough to get it to him. Today I didn’t see it until a full hour past lunch time.

Today, I put 7 envelopes in my mail box . . . without a single stamp on any of them.

I am not even 5 weeks along – isn’t it WAY too early to be having this happen?

And speaking of too early . . . this pregnancy terrifies me.  I want to be pregnant. I’ve wanted to be pregnant for more than a year now.  But this is pregnancy number four for me.  I’ve never had a bad miscarriage* . . . and I’m terrified that it’s my turn. 

I want to shout it to the world – I’M PREGNANT!!!!!!!! But it’s still so early.  The idea of needing to tell everyone that I lost the baby just makes me feel sick.  I’ve got 8 more weeks of my first trimester – and I’m still giving my mother a present that states my condition.  What if I miscarry while I’m visiting her?

And if I do miscarry . . . what then?  I only get 4 c-sections.  My body can’t labor normally – could I even have a “normal” miscarriage?  What if it ended up being my last pregnancy EVER ended only in a feeling of emptiness. 

Of course, if you’re reading this, it means I’m past the super worried part. Because if I actually DID miscarry, this post would never be read. Instead there would most likely be silence from me for a very VERY long time while I came to grips with my situation.

I hope this worry is only because it’s just so new. And I’ve taken too many failed pregnancy tests in the last year for this to really feel true. (I’ve never been so glad that I took a picture of a urine based test in my life! But I keep on needing to reassure myself with the picture I took of that beautiful positive staring up at me.)  How I hope this worry is only me feeling guilty that I AM pregnant, when my good friend is not.  I hope my fears are rooted in my own imagination that everyone has to have a really bad miscarriage – and not in premonition.

So here’s MY Christmas wish: That all my followers have a wonderful season . . .and actually get the
chance to read this post, instead of an unbelievably painful one that I hope I never need to write.
*I think I might have actually had a miscarriage a few months ago. But I was only 3 days late, so I’m not actually sure.  But I did think I actually ovulated that time, and it was a rather heavy period, so that’s why I wonder if I did.

5 comments:

  1. Hooray for being able to read this post!!

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  2. In a perverse sort of way, it makes me happy that you're more forgetful! Does it feel more real? And are you significantly less worried?

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  3. This makes me happy! Love you!

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  4. I agree with everyone else! Yeah for getting to read this! I don't know if you heard the reaction from the christmas gift but it was pretty cute!! Love you lots!

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